Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do they have dressing rooms for you to try on a smart car before you buy it?

   Hey girls wearing camoflauge, you can't hide the slutty with that.

   Whatever you say, dude. Nobody googles reptile porn by mistake.

   I even lose my panties when I masturbate.

   Understanding women is easy, too: Just take calculus, multiply by quantum physics, then divide by E=mc². Also, hold them when they cry. Boom.

   I did so much crack last night, I broke into my own house. I was halfway out with the TV before I realized it was my place.

   How does Justin Bieber have almost 33 million followers? It's gotta be vag pics, because she isn't even remotely funny.

   I'm lonely, but not 'talk to people' lonely.

   The difference between being married and being single is when you're single you don't have to listen to anyone snore while not getting laid.

   20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs... Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

   he asked to be the little spoon... so I went home

   I vehemently deny that I have ever used Status Enhancing Drugs (brb, Oprah is calling...)

   Did you know..... President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans

   there's a million fish in the sea and I'm just worm to attract them!

   The US beat Canada at hockey this week... In retaliation, a new Nickelback album will be unleashed.. We brought this upon ourselves America.

   Obama reminds me of ThomasJefferson. He liked some dark meat, too...

   Wife yelled my first, middle and last name this morning! Not sure if it was the dirty underwear left on the bathroom floor, the unmade bed, the dirty clothes by the bed, or the dirty dishes . I think I had better go run errands.

   Sorry I just woke up from a coma,,, and OH MAYA GOD,,, They got the date wrong

   Just so you know the new rules to CPR,,,, there's no more blowing, just pumping,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I know,, It's like the romance is gone

   I'm in my underwear on the porch in a rocking chair drinking my coffee................. Man,, Is this Cracker Barrel packed this morning or what?