Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the kids on Africa are really getting tired of all those leftover Patriots Championship t-shirts.

   This make-up sex stuff was pretty good until she poked me in the eye with the eyeliner stick.

   I'm bored. I think I'll go to WalMart, find a great parking spot and sit in the truck with my reverse lights on for awhile

   This is going to make Thanksgiving uncomfortable next year at the Harbaugh house.

   presently poking others but your poke is important to her. Please stay online and your pokes will be returned in the order they were received. Approximate wait time is five minutes.

   Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?

   Just call him "Pollard the Patriot killer"

   Adorable when people think that I’d care enough to hate them.

   Be Nice to America…or we'll bring democracy to your country.

   I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".

   My teleporter’s broken, I've lost my superpowers, and my sidekick is out of town. Only one last hope for humanity: Must... get.... the... cork... out... of... this... wine.... bottle.....

   My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

   "Daddy, can I have some ice cream?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Why do boys have p enises and girls don't?" "Chocolate or vanilla?"

   Marriage. Because your day doesn't have to end at work

   Tried to kill a spider with deodorant. He's still alive, but he smells great.

   would probably be classified as a lesbian if it was only based on how much you enjoy eating muffins and cookies.

   Jupiter's gravitational pull is so strong that we use it to help thrust our probes deeper into space...

   adding "euro" before any word immediately makes it sound g ay!

   Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about that. Tell them you have a þénís.

   studies show that only 1% of heart attacks are caused by physical intimacy, but 70% of that number is through extramarital situations, usually when someone yells "honey,i'm home"