Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements ツ

   I am never too busy to draw a d!k on a foggy window

   I have been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions

   With women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at... LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff..

   went to a shrink today. she says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other bi tch!

   never make presumptions about who will get chicken pox...I don't like to blemish my reputation by making rash predictions

   People who feel sorry for themselves never feel sorry for anyone else.

   Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Barry, and Anne Hathaway all portrayed Catwoman without flaunting their buttholes at people even once. Unrealistic.

   I am the kind of guy who brings a gun to a pillow fight.

   Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.

   Most people are going to hell, no doubt...but some of you will be used as firewood.

   I want an iPhone with BBM and a Nokia battery.

   it would of been cool if Atlanta Falcons had won today....then the Super Bowl could be sponsored by the game "Angry Birds"

   I am just a girl standing in front of a stalker, asking him to leave her the hell alone.

   MARRIAGE; Because your suffering doesn't have to end at work!

   I love you but I'm not, "I want us to be miserable together," in love with you.

   All the places that can be kissed can also be bitten.

   If I had known life was going to be a test I would have cheated more.

   Rapper: " I'm killing snitches, then I smoke a blunt get high and F*ck they b*tches" *wins award* Rapper; "I just want to thank god..."

   Never underestimate my ability to make things weird for everyone involved.