Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   well, my wife got her annual breast x-ray today and my suspicions were confirmed. Slinkys...

   who pays for the electric bill for light at the end of the tunnel??

   I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

   joy, now we get to spend the next 2 weeks hearing about the Harbaugh brothers...

   I missed the zombie apocalypse um... er.... I mean Inauguration today...

   Nothing is more conflicting to men than an ugly woman with a really nice a$$.

   why does every ginger thinks she looks like Daphne from Scooby Doo??

   Wow... over 500,000 people attended Obama's Inauguration today.. and only 7 missed work

   I want a monster in my bed, not under it.

   I've got a lot of respect for born again Christian women. God bless you all. (One less slut out there for me to compete with.)

   I don't mean to brag, but after 30 years of marriage, my wife and I still have sex almost every night. We almost had it Friday night, almost Saturday, almost… ツ

   If you don't put nipples on the letter o when there's two of them next to each other, then you're no fun and we can't hangout. B⊙⊙bs.

   I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.

   Your baby is not interesting or funny, unless it's drunk or being carried away by an eagle.

   Girls really seem to dig it when a dude has an overwhelming inability to become emotionally close with anyone, especially them.

   I'll be in your bed if you need me!

   Wish someone would add me to their grocery list.

   Veni, vidi, illud purgatur Translation. I came, I saw, I Cleaned it up.

   Happy James Earl Ray Day!

   This bottle of vodka doesn’t have a suggested serving size printed on the label, so I’m just gonna assume its just one serving.