Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

   Wearing crocs is like getting blown by a dude. Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

   How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.

   Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"

   does anyone wanna break my no sex record?!

   Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''

   I hate it when my girlfriend calls her period "that time of the month", I like to call it "blow job week"

   A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke...

   Does this joke format make MY ASS look big?

   Don't pay Facebook $2 to 'promote' your latest status. Simply send me half that amount, and I'll repeat it to all my friends in real life. For an extra 50c, I'll throw in a funny face when I say it.

   If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.

   if you ever see me lying on the side of the road, do me a solid and pause my iFit...

   I've recently purchased a hand held blow horn to use on drivers who text and drive. So far I have converted four drivers into pedestrians who now walk an text.

   I lost my pet stone in North Africa. Where did Morocco?

   Are we supposed to poop 15 or 20 times a day? Just checking to see if I'm normal....

   if you're upset about not getting a valentine, then you're probably on your period...

   if God intended for man to pick stuff up from the floor, he would have made us shorter than woman...

   Women are easy to make happy. Just 1) Spend more than you make on them, 2) Tell her she's pretty, 3) Unfriend every girl you know (even your sister), 4) ignore every sport but cheerleading and 5) Smile while you rat hole money for when she divorces you...

   My GF just walked straight past me in Walmart without seeing me! Maybe I should put a 50% off sticker on my chest..

   God promised man he could find beautiful women who were good honest wives in all corners of the world then he made the world round and laughed and laughed and laughed.