Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blizzard Survival Tip: If anyone in your household makes a "global warming" reference, throw them outside. It's the only way they'll learn.....

   Some people carb load, I caffiene load, which is just a gateway load leading to tequila loading.

   goes to strip clubs for the wings, used to read playboy for the articles and checks out your pictures because you have great taste in clothes.

   One thing I envy about women is never having to clean pee off the toilet seat.

   had an affair with a teacher once. Made sweet music in the band room, poetry during English class and you don't even want to know what we did in the multipurpose room.

   If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on

   I’m a bad motherf ucker until someone hands me a puppy or a baby.

   I don't know much about art, but my favorite pictures have a man’s junk drawn on them...

   I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.

   I'm black but not "talk loud all through your movie" black. HAHA JUST KIDDING I'M USING SIRI TO TYPE THIS TWEET DURING YOUR STUPID MOVIE!!

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually…damn that’s a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst.

   I turned my "Panic room" into a "Hispanic room" so that I have a place to wear my sombrero without being ridiculed.

   My Bologna has a first name, but it ain't Oscar !

   Of course I'm looking for the right person, because they say opposites attract and I'm already wrong.

   Nobody has criticized me yet today. I should call my ex-wife and say hello.

   All clowns are serial killers. It's a fact.

   Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts.

   I wanna f uck you so hard we both forget you're ugly.

   Aside from being hit and struck by a Smooth Criminal, how are you emotionally, Annie?

   Keep your friends close and your enemies in the basement.