Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those of you in the northeast whining about the blizzard. Newsflash...you live closer to the Arctic Circle than the rest of us, it's winter, and winds are directed your way. How about this idea...move.

   I picked up a Chinese girl last night at a New Year Celebration...we ended up at my place and things got pretty hot. She asked what I wanted, so I said, "69." She said, "You want Beef with Broccoli?"

   Do the Chinese realize that when they visit this country, they buy souvenirs made in their country.

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do you tilt your head in pictures??

   I walked out to get the newspaper this morning and the neighbor had already picked his up.

   You can leave your hat on, but definitely not your socks.

   There is a special place in hell for people who name their kids after their exes.

   Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, then I remember that I'm a woman.

   To learn patience, you must wait for a woman to get dressed. But you'll probably need an anger management class first.

   If being supportive means to stand there and pretend to listen. Then, yes I am extremely supportive.

   "Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine."

   I saw this beautiful gal at the bar & went to ask her name, she said “1st Name: Outa, 2nd Name: Your League.”

   I went to the Doctors and he said I'd better start watching what I eat..... So I've bought two tickets for the Grand National!! :)

   Call Of Duty will really have a guy thinking about joining the army. Then you realize how many times you died...

   I can't wait to run out of stuff to say so I can just re-release all my status updates in acoustic version.

   HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, It's the year of the snake !!! I'm still keep accidently writing Dragon on all my checks.

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters...

   I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that post to thirty people."