Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You call it blacking out. I call it a booze nap.

   A flying saucer lands at a gas station. Two aliens got out. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station guy goes, "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" "No", said one of aliens, "Unleaded Fuel Only."

   Celebrating black history month by not pulling my pants up.

   I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops.

   Keep it down kids....Aunt Minnie is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   Liking your own status is the online equivilent of savoring your own fart...

   Dear girl at the gym. Chill on the perfume; it's not a nighclub. And that 5 minute walk on the treadmill is a warm-up not a work out...

   how do you call yourself WORLD champions when you play yourself?

   Eating generic fruit loops is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....

   Dear Ladies: Smiles are more attractive than duckfaces. Keep that in mind when you're editing your dating profile.

   Bought a pack of air the other day. Guess what... There were Chips inside

   Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...

   Before 2012 it was dave chappelle here. Now it's like conan o'brien.

   The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs.

   Great, now Ray Lewis has killed more people AND won more Super Bowl rings than me. :(

   I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.

   Sadly, I don't think Fast & Furious sequels are being released fast or furiously enough.

   You know we're in a recession when they start making game shows where the winner gets a job.

   Guys, I heard this crazy myth that there are people who don't hate themselves after every meal. Is this true?

   Every 3rd world country in the world has a soccer team. Heck, all you need is empty space and a ball.