Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.

   If you’re in a long distance relationship… ask for a picture of their genitals. If they’re shaved, they’re cheating on you.

   Ladies, don't believe the magazines. Men don't like skinny women who starve themselves. They love women who are pretty & starve themselves.

   Just saw a girl choking on a cupcake so I quickly ran over, took her phone and Instagrammed what was left of it. She's perfectly fine now.

   Not sure if I'm craving something sweet or salty and now I know exactly how Bella felt with Edward and Jacob.

   I have just one word for my critics. Kissmyass...

   As soon as you get married you will understand why Barbie and Ken are sold separately with all their s hit

   Those of you in the northeast whining about the blizzard. Newsflash...you live closer to the Arctic Circle than the rest of us, it's winter, and winds are directed your way. How about this idea...move.

   I picked up a Chinese girl last night at a New Year Celebration...we ended up at my place and things got pretty hot. She asked what I wanted, so I said, "69." She said, "You want Beef with Broccoli?"

   Do the Chinese realize that when they visit this country, they buy souvenirs made in their country.

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do you tilt your head in pictures??

   I walked out to get the newspaper this morning and the neighbor had already picked his up.

   You can leave your hat on, but definitely not your socks.

   There is a special place in hell for people who name their kids after their exes.

   Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, then I remember that I'm a woman.

   To learn patience, you must wait for a woman to get dressed. But you'll probably need an anger management class first.

   If being supportive means to stand there and pretend to listen. Then, yes I am extremely supportive.

   "Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine."

   I saw this beautiful gal at the bar & went to ask her name, she said “1st Name: Outa, 2nd Name: Your League.”

   I went to the Doctors and he said I'd better start watching what I eat..... So I've bought two tickets for the Grand National!! :)