Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All those women out there that thought 'I wish my fella was hung like a horse'. The chances are you have had one in your mouth anyway.

   Valentines claims another victim as the blade runner shots gf - twice, just because he couldnt beat last years gift...personally I think he has no leg to stand on!!...

   I booked a nice table for two, then she tells me she doesn't like snooker, wtf?

   Hey Febreze, the broken carnival ship would be a real good test for your commercial

   Valentines Day - nobody shares a dam chocolate in the entired year and now you have to shove a hole box in a day - hypocrecy made chocolate

   Last night I tried talking to the moon pretending it was you. And just like you, it maintained a distance and didn't reply. :(

   Roses are red, your body is fine, I know we just met, but your place or mine?

   The real St. Valentine was beaten, stoned and then beheaded...now that would make one hell of a Hallmark card...

   The best thing about VDay is the reese's peanut butter cups are ALWAYS fresh!

   Roses are red, violets are blue. A bag of weed is cheaper than a dinner for two.

   I love St. Valentine's Day. Not the holiday, the massacre.

   This will be my fourth year in a row being single on Valentine's Day. You guys call it "pathetic". I call it "forward thinking".

   Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you have to stick your finger in a few before you find the one that's right for you.... and try to stay away from the ones that already have teethmarks in them....

   In dog beers, I only had 1

   Million dollar idea: Chocolate Nerds called Urkels.

   Well, tomorrows the day I get my job as a waiter again so I can slip fake engagement rings in every woman's drink just to watch the horror on all the guys faces.

   I'm going to decorate a valentines box and take it to work tomorrow. I'm not going to answer anyone's questions until they give me a valentine...

   Valentine's Day is for lovers. Or for people like us who will celebrate anything as long as there's slutty lingerie and saturated fats involved.

   i'm prepping for Valentines day by eating a ton of Fiber.

   Oh nooo just had a terrible dream where I was buying roses and chocolates for my Valentines's date. Thanks God it was just a dream!!!