Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man!

   I don't sweat...Sweating is for people who do something.

   Love and appreciate the effort, but we have to try harder,,, we are funnier than this.

   In Mother Russia, we don't shoot for the stars, the stars shoot for us

   you know your fat when, you order Taco Bell and you still have ice in you're McDonald's cup.

   Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, a feather off a hawk and the blood of a unicorn.

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common?....In each case there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time...

   I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   “I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   Ok, when are Mayans going to claim responsibility for the Meteorite attack on Russia?

   You have no legs and you're dating a super model and you kill her....on VALENTINES?! Good god, some people just don't know what they have do they?

   Your liver is the only organ that can regenerate itself. I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!

   Some people mistake kindness as an invitation to suck the goddamn life right out of ya.

   My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.

   The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and wave.

   I just pooped at my girlfriend's house for the first time, and now I'm single again.

   Sometimes I confuse sex with bull riding because my goal for both is to stay on for 8 seconds.

   I submitted my photo into one of those "Which Celebrity Do You Most Closely Resemble" apps. It compared me to Patrick from SpongeBob.

   I think the greeter at Walmart should apologize to you when you walk in the door.