Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   being lazier right now than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   seat belts are for people who have time to die, hell I don't even have time to sleep

   Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   You can't change the past, but you can spoil the present, by worrying about the future.

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   On this Presidents day we celebrate our great leaders; Washington, the father of our country, Lincoln, who freed the slaves, Reagan, who tore down that wall and Kennedy, who banged Marilyn Monroe.

   Apparently this couple in the park holding hands were not trying to start a pick up game of Red Rover

   so broke right now, he has been using used tissues as toilet paper...and sometimes vice versa.

   Article on USA Today talking about guns "Role in suicides". I guess the next time someone jumps off a bridge, we will start talking about tearing all of the bridges in America down...

   all the pictures of food you post online do is remind me that it is likely poop right now.

   never sleeps next to anything that he wouldn't want to wake up next to.

   The common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.

   so...I gues it doesn't pay to enrich your word power...

   Today, I was thinking who got all that Gaddafi's cool sunglasses.

   "That was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy." ~Amy Farrah Fowler

   Roses are Red Violets are Glorious, Never Sneak up on Oscar Pistorius

   Talking to boring people makes me feel like I’m underwater and I'm running out of oxygen.

   I haven't gotten laid in so long, you'd swear I've been wearing Crocs all this time.

   I don't want to think today. I just want to breathe.

   Tried putting myself in someone's shoes & now I have a smelly boot stuck on my head!