Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   IF you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery… What kind of car would you buy 1st?

   First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today.

   Maybe homeless people are just hardcore campers.

   I’m going to change my name to Benefits. Now when you add me on Facebook it will say, you are now friends with benefits.

   The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   Sorry you're an atheist and have no one to thank its Friday.

   Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.

   "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife.

   I miss you like The Biggest Loser contestants miss high fructose corn syrup.

   I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.

   Most of troubles and hate games in the world is made by ugly insecure people.

   If I offend anybody tonight I apologize in advance, it's not my intention. I'm not gonna guess what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time, it's how I know I still have one...

   Just saw my ex with her new man and had to smile because I KNOW there's not a place on her he can kiss that hasn't been coated by my man gravy. :)

   Who says chivalry is dead? Last night, my wife was too sick for sex so I just settled for a BJ...

   That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sandwiches.

   Dear rappers, please stop putting police sirens in your music. When I'm driving it scares the crap out of me.

   Somebody needs to plug an electric guitar into a 100 watt amplifier, and fix this cr@p that's trying to pass itself off as music nowadays.

   I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.

   If marriage has taught me anything it's that there is no shortage of por n on the Internet.

   Keep your fancy milkshake and a yard, my chloroform and a dark basement are way more efficient.