Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sane with you, I'm just not insane with you.

   My Dad told me all the kinds of girls I should stay away from. I think my Dad overestimates my options.

   A pizza is a pie chart that shows you exactly how pizza you have eaten and how much is left.

   The Home Office have declined my passport renewal on the grounds they cannot except 'It's complicated' as a marital status.

   First you have to tell 'em Santa's not real. Then you have to tell 'em Nicki Minaj is real.. ..no wonder the kids are confused.

   People don't change... They just learn to lie better!

   If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.

   I have 250 mutual friends with this one guy on facebook. The weird thing is that I like all of them way better than him.

   I makes me sad to think that drug dealers know better math than I do.

   Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit.

   Let me see if I've got this right...Women like to dress sexy, but it doesn't mean they want sex? This is but one of the confusing reasons men will never understand you women.

   It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

   She is not crazy, she is female.

   I guess some people are the salt of the earth and others are the wounds.

   I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.

   I "Country Music" hate you.

   If she is married or has a boyfriend make sure she swallows the evidence.

   If you're crazy and you know it, shake your meds.

   Happy Birthday 21st Amendment

   I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.