Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been telling jokes about distance but I think this time I've gone too far.

   Apocalypse Update - Day 68 (Deep within my Command Bunker): Finally received a TV signal. The only channel I could get was "E" network. Kim Kardasian is knocked up!! The "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" begins!! Well played Mayans, well played!!

   At the Karma Cafe, there are no menus. You get served what you deserve.

   Apparently, you no longer have to be 21 to consume Budweiser!

   I love this oscillating fan 5 out of every 15 seconds

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex..... Now birds keep crashing into my armpits

   Before Chris Brown did a concert with them,,, they were just known as "The Peas".

   Only 2 more days of black history month, thank god, I'm tired of eating chik and watermelon. Thats how it goes right?

   Meanwhile, in Iran, shock as traces of beef are found in camel meat.

   Having a bad day? For every episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, each Kardashian makes $80,000. I hope this cheered you up a little.

   As sholes can only make women wet through the tear ducts.

   The adult way to end a relationship is to hide and hope it goes away.

   I'll bet your Facebook relationship status would be a lot less complicated if you let him stick it in your ass.

   The other day I went so far back into someone's timeline I ended up on their MySpace page.

   If you have a tattoo in a language you do not speak or understand, then yes I'm allowed to judge you.

   Calm down straight guys. 9 times out of 10, g ay guys are only staring at you because you look like sh it and we just wanna give you makeover.

   I'll fall for anybody that kisses my neck in the right spot So, yeah, I dated the goat from the petting zoo for a while.

   Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside

   Why don't we throw the world's garbage in quicksand?

   I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my jerk button and we'll be great