Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   today Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA)....is it still legal to tell my gf to make me a sandwich?

   Note to self...apparently management doesn't find the game of hide-and-go-seek as amusing as I do....which sucks cuz I had an awesome hiding spot!!!

   I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.

   You're 15... You should be feeling butterflies in your tummy, not a baby kicking.

   90% of the ocean remains unexplored and you're telling me mermaids don't exist?

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I order coffee at Starbucks and tell them my name is Bueller.....Then just leave!

   I'd bet any of you good money that there's a woman mad at you right now and you have absolutely no idea why.

   What's brown and rhymes with snoop?.......................Dr Dre.

   Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice or they like you. Take alligators for example.

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids!

   Things more fashionable than a Nickelback t-shirt: 1. Fanny packs. 2. Mom jeans. 3. Crocs. 4. Men's Capri pants. 5. Being on fire.

   There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from Hawaii.

   Killing everyone in your anger management class really calms you down.

   If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.

   I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.

   Sometimes life seems so Popeless.

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

   I sure hope my wife passes her kidney stone soon! I'm getting hungry...

   One day I will claim that $37 trillion in US dollars from the bank in Zimbawe I keep getting an email from. . .

   I don't care how hot you are, honey...if I go to "toss the salad" and you didn't clean up right...it's over.