Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This cup is so good, I now know why coffee got it's own table in the living room

   Hell hath no fury like a woman who's status you did not like...

   my buddy asked to borrow my phone. I gave it to him and said "check out that ball scratcher app I downloaded!"

   This "doing nothing" lark is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I'm done? :(

   my signature move is to get her too tangled up in the sheets to escape.

   I was at the bank machine the other day and an old lady approached and asked me to help check her balance.....So I pushed her.

   Chosing the new pope process; exposing to the world just how dumb Roman Catholic are.

   Hold boobs not grudges.

   I never met a donut with a lifespan of more than five seconds.

   Shoutout to God for not giving wings to snakes.

   Our baby woke up in the other room while my wife and I were having sex. Great, now I get to hear two people cry.

   Jesus is lord. Strangely enough he's also my coke dealer and gardener.

   83% of the dialogue in my relationship consists of "Where's the cat?".

   My favorite part about Facebook is how fat all the girls from high school are getting

   Every time I go grocery shopping, I ask myself what would Jesus buy. This explains my cart full of wine bottles.

   I dont see the point of sex if the neighbours don't hear it.

   This douchebag trying to tell me that the Smurfs are Caucasian.

   If people ask how many kids you have don't say negative two. No one wants to hear about your abortions.

   I swear one day I'm going to wake up with my phone shoved up my ass and divorce papers scattered around me.

   Best way to realize if you have a stupid idea is to consider who agrees with it and who doesn't.