Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive

   I love when people see me and say..." Ohh I've been meaning to call you.. But lost your number.." B itch my number hasn't changed in 10 yrs! It should be implanted into your brain cells!

   believes hunting is totally wrong unless you are hunting cougars.

   I'm not impatient...I just don't like to wait.

   Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul!! Think he is trying to bust a move.

   President and Michelle Obama had a great interview in this months Vogue Magazine about fashion. All of America's problems are now solved.

   The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots

   My insurance is so bad, I pay a co-pay to watch Dr. Oz

   Justin Bieber's hamster died. He'd had it for two months. The only hamster to truly know the meaning of Rest In Peace

   how can you tell when your baby needs more oil and where do I add it??

   Interest in the Bermuda Triangle disappeared. Seems suspicious.

   Keep Calm and Keep scrolling... I got nothing funny to say here.

   Great to be Catholic this month! We welcome a new Pope, plus we get three major religious holidays! Palm Sunday, Easter, and to kick it all off...the most important...St. Patrick's Day.

   People who say "If I disappeared, no one would notice" are wrong. If I saw someone vanish right in front of me I would FREAK OUT!

   Ahhh Steak and BJ Day we meet again both well done please

   I heard Pope Francis won because of his strong showing in the swimsuit portion.

   Anyone else notice that the new Pope looks like Homer Simpson after a hunger strike?

   Cubic Zirconium's slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!

   A friend of mine said that being gay wasn't so bad, but sometimes it's a real pain in the ass ツ

   My papal name would be 'Pope Daddy I".