Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min I come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.

   it's spring break around here and judging by the FB posts, all teachers hate their jobs..

   There should be a "I've seen enough" button.

   I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".

   The most fascinating thing I remember from my childhood is the amount of people Coolio fit into his trunk that day he went on a Fantastic Voyage.

   If I were a sheriff in the old west, I'd make some "WANTED" posters that said "NOT INTERESTED" so insecure outlaws would just come to me.

   Hey you guys! Rock bottom has a buffet and an open bar!

   I'm gonna surprise the gf, and wake her with oral sex...hope she doesn't choke.

   Interrupt me to say I pronounced your name wrong, and I will make a point to say it wrong every time thereafter.

   A recent study has shown that its much more difficult to lie to someone you truly love than lying to someone you don't love.

   My wife loves role playing in bed. Her favorite is playing dead.

   I think, therefore i'm single.

   I am confident but not 'propose to my girlfriend of 2 months live on TV' confident.

   Did you hear the bad news about about Lil Wayne? He's ok.

   Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.

   Enjoying a Harlem shamrock shake

   My neighbor complained I was playing Bruce Hornsby too loud. I told him, That's just the way it is.

   and the winner of the best Harlem Shake.......Lil Wayne!

   Hey Liver, it's Friday... Time to clock-in!

   Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.