Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you had... one shot... one opportunity... to take two samples at costco when the dude's not lookin... would you capture it... or let it slip

   there are no winners the day following a draft beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.

   My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured.

   Nice try "St. Patrick's Day", but I don't need a reason to drink!!

   Apparently putting Alka Seltzers in my mouth while getting "born again" and pretending I'm possessed by the Devil is not so funny to "non drunk people".

   Seriously? Really? Seriously?? Really?? Seriously??? Really??? Said annoying people everywhere now a days.

   Married people don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day. That would imply that they'd actually expect to get lucky.

   I like a nice boob avi as much as the next dude, but some of you ladies make me feel like you're going poke an eye out.

   So is everyone Irish yet?

   There's gratification and then there's "I love not responding to you on facebook chat" gratification.

   I think those who wear the sagging pants should start wearing skinny jeans. At least it would be entertaining watching them trying to walk.

   I hold the NASCAR world record for the number of races never watched. Zero.

   Bought a new trampoline and took me 2 hrs to set it up. All the wife could say afterwards was "uhm...where's our bed?" That's gratitude for ya!

   My potatoes bring all the Irish to the yard and they're like, that famine was hard.

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.

   "whoever said tis better to loved and lost than never loved can scuk my ballsack..."Yeh, you're right because I'm geting a restraining order for them... :)

   prepared to kiss you whether you are Irish or not.

   When is a good time to mention St Patrick wasn't Irish, he was the son of slave-owning Roman nobility born in England and his color wasn't green, it was blue? Not today then?

   St. Patrick Pro Tip: Clean your toilet now!! You may be face down in it later........