Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The opposite of Viagr a is marriage!

   Warning to parents: If you ever catch your kids reading "50 Shades of Grey" WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T spank them.

   My doctor told me to stop drinking today because its making me violent.. So we laughed and laughed and than I killed him.

   You without me is like a Tim Burton movie without Johnny Depp.

   I have two blood pressures. The one I normally have all day, and the one when my wife needs to borrow my phone.

   My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

   Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me

   I think you scientists did a great job of making old people's d-i-c-k-s hard. How 'bout you guys take a look at cancer and stuff now.

   Went for a romantic walk in the woods last night. Well, I called it romantic. She called it stalking.

   I fear the day someone invents a vibrator that can also open jars.

   i wanna give Taylor a Swift kick in the ass

   Let's get it straight. It's not about the, "Right to bear arms", it's about the, "Right to arm bears."

   Ok so there are Google Goggles and Google Shoes... Wake me when they launch the Google Snuggie!

   I think I might have had a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O’Furniture.

   I'm going to Brussells. Anyone need sprouts?

   What??? You want me to travel to Manila to pick up some envelopes??

   Rihanna says she’ll probably have kids,,,,,, mostly because Chris wants to take a swing at being a dad.

   If you took all the babies on earth and stacked them head to toe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, That would be kidnapping.

   I'm not saying don't trust the internet but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I've won & the number of ipads I own

   I'm not lazy. I just absolutely, passionately, wholeheartedly enjoy doing nothing.