Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, may you do all the things you said you'd do - and feel damn good about it.

   Really cleav...klev......Intelagen.......Smart!

   Definition of irony. Midget porn on the top shelf.

   Randomly digging holes. Want to know why. Come around and I'll fill you in.

   My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

   Well St Patrick's Day is finally over, or as I know it as the day I found out that not all midgets are magical

   My butler says I live in a fantasy world.

   Alright Winter, we get your point. You're a force of nature okay? I'll quit mocking you when I'm talking to the other seasons

   You may think I am wierd, but at least I am not boring like you.

   Why do porn sites have a 'Share to Facebook' button? Who watches porn and thinks, 'You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends.'

   ‎(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Mondays

   I'm going to take a shot for every "like" I get on this status....then again....I'm taking shots whether you b*stards like it or not.

   Just because it’s called make-up, it doesn’t mean it’s supposed to make-up 99% of your face!

   Passover occurs at the same time as Holy Week which leads up to Easter. Them J3WS are always trying to ruin our fun.

   I have a crystal ball and when I sit down I do it very carefully.

   Only at Mcdonalds do they say,"Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight."

   if you had... one shot... one opportunity... to take two samples at costco when the dude's not lookin... would you capture it... or let it slip

   there are no winners the day following a draft beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.

   My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured.