Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If "thought bubbles" appeared above my head every time I ran into a moron, I'd seriously be screwed.

   Facebook should have an automatic detection service that as soon as someone posts something regarding the gym or healthy eating, then they immediately get rewarded with a medal that they are obviously after.

   If anyone wonders what a difference a year can make in someone's life....allow me to explain......if someone had told me a year ago....that Lance Armstrong and I would have the same number of Tour de France wins....I would have argued with them....but now

   One of the hardest things I ever had to do as a kid was OPEN a Band-Aid with a cut finger... using a stupid red string.

   Who ever said talk is cheap never got a bill from a lawyer for a 30 minute consultation.

   Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.

   Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".

   Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.

   Terrible 2's->sweet 16->slutty 18-> Alcoholic 21

   more arrogance than Rick 'The Model' Martel

   can see John Cena, when will he realise that a big bulky man like that with bright clothes is quite easy to see, everyone can see you.

   still can't smell what The Rock is cooking, can you?

   Since girls pubes are extinct, we'll will never know your real hair color. Well played ladies...

   Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.

   Just beat a mime to death with my air guitar.

   I'm going to cover my entire body in bacon so I can become more desirable.

   Your body should be a temple, not an amusement park.

   There's a light is in the refrigerator, but not the freezer. I mean, what's up with that?

   Finding a true friend is about as easy as nailing jello to a tree.

   I could really use some TLC.....Tacos Laced with Cocaine.