Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dream job is to be that guy at the mall who plays with those remote controlled helicopters all day.

   I just saw the Easter Bunny buying Easter Grass and Rolling Papers at the corner store.

   Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of martinis as “Plan B”

   I’m having potato salad for lunch. Well, potatoes and olives. Fermented potatoes. I’m having a vodka martini for lunch.

   So if Jesus doesn't see his shadow when he comes out of his cave this Sunday, does that mean we get 2,000 more years of hell on earth?

   I think Wynonna has been "Snacking With The Stars".....

   Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   Here is an Easter time saving tip - don't waste time coloring the eggs. It will make them easier to hide in the snow...

   I sometimes eat pizza with a fork... Please love me anyway.

   theres no "half-singing" in the shower... you are either a wimp or a Rock Star....

   Took a major dump and when I flushed, I yelled to the stall next to me "Sh#t's goin down" ... silence

   Thinking of renewing my vow... to never get married again...

   I'm not saying she's fat. I'm just saying if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know.... She'd be three of them.

   I hate Mondays. I've destroyed my office with my air guitar twice already today!

   i gotta crap so big I'm thinking I need to hire a event planner!

   but why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "A Brat about to get an a$s whooping".

   You’ll never get the same results running on a tread mill as you will running from a pi$sed off Pit Bull

   Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

   Told this girl I'm a tenor, and she said, "You're a six,,, and that's with me being generous."