Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other one is a walrus.

   That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there's no milk so you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?

   Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.

   I wish I knew what kind of withdrawals I'm having right now so I could focus more on that particular drug.

   it rude to throw a breathmint in someone's mouth while they are talking??

   Sorry, I'm not tall enough to ride your emotional roller coaster ...

   I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."

   Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?

   Stop referring to yourself as a "woman with curves" when in reality you're a "woman with fat rolls."

   I've heard of women that aren't crazy ... but I've also heard of unicorns, so whatever...

   Ghetto Olympics: On your MARK.........Get SET.............TWERK!

   in honor of it being 3 days into spring and so cold we will be barbecuing Punxsutawney Philly steak and cheese tomorrow

   Sometimes when i'm following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel. don't be hatin!

   I wonder if Medusa ever just relaxed and put her snakes back in a ponytail?

   4 horrible facts: Today is not Friday. Tomorrow is not Friday. The day after Tomorrow is not Friday. Even the day after that is not Friday.

   It’s funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.

   There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!

   Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells F&CK really loud then people scurry like mad.

   ny psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.