Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So if Jesus doesn't see his shadow when he comes out of his cave this Sunday, does that mean we get 2,000 more years of hell on earth?

   I think Wynonna has been "Snacking With The Stars".....

   Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   Here is an Easter time saving tip - don't waste time coloring the eggs. It will make them easier to hide in the snow...

   I sometimes eat pizza with a fork... Please love me anyway.

   theres no "half-singing" in the shower... you are either a wimp or a Rock Star....

   Took a major dump and when I flushed, I yelled to the stall next to me "Sh#t's goin down" ... silence

   Thinking of renewing my vow... to never get married again...

   I'm not saying she's fat. I'm just saying if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know.... She'd be three of them.

   I hate Mondays. I've destroyed my office with my air guitar twice already today!

   i gotta crap so big I'm thinking I need to hire a event planner!

   but why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "A Brat about to get an a$s whooping".

   You’ll never get the same results running on a tread mill as you will running from a pi$sed off Pit Bull

   Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

   Told this girl I'm a tenor, and she said, "You're a six,,, and that's with me being generous."

   If "thought bubbles" appeared above my head every time I ran into a moron, I'd seriously be screwed.

   Facebook should have an automatic detection service that as soon as someone posts something regarding the gym or healthy eating, then they immediately get rewarded with a medal that they are obviously after.

   If anyone wonders what a difference a year can make in someone's life....allow me to explain......if someone had told me a year ago....that Lance Armstrong and I would have the same number of Tour de France wins....I would have argued with them....but now

   One of the hardest things I ever had to do as a kid was OPEN a Band-Aid with a cut finger... using a stupid red string.