Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you like it then you should have put a ring on it. Or refrained from referring to her as “it” so much

   Gangnam Style: Dancing like an overweight Ch!nk getting b0ned up the a$$ by a sumo wrestler while wearing handcuffs that were put on by a ret@rded cop.

   I hate when I forget that I don't like you.

   Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!! Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch.

   My signature move is falling in love with people I can't have.

   Don't text and drive. You don't want "lol" to be the last thing you say before you die.

   The best neighbors are the ones you never see.

   What if you just started licking the dentist fingers while they were in your mouth.

   Dental Assistant aka The one who passes things to the dentist

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Makes animal noises whenever someone approaches

   jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

   I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year

   Might name my kid puberty, so everyone can hit puberty

   funny, I see anyone wearing those "LiveStrong" wristbands anymore...

   Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door,,, I say, "Hey! Sorry I'm late."

   having my phone number is like having a direct line to God, But better, because I answer.. .

   FACT; Religion has caused more misery to all of mankind in every stage of human history than any other single idea.

   Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!

   I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....

   I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.