Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just rolled my eyes so far back into my head that I saw where I went wrong.

   If you are a por n addict, it’s not advisable to go to church, coz when the women kneel you anticipate something else.

   The weather was terrible today. One person stole my thunder, and somebody else rained on my parade.

   Celebrities won't talk to me. Now what am I suppose to do on Twitter?

   Significant others are like linoleum floors... Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

   It's a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.

   Hey. You in the camouflage outfit. I can see you.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. You should definitely not buy it.

   I shed a tear every time my cell phone rings at work and its not Morpheus

   I'm trying really hard here not to apply myself, but I'm just so full of adhesive.

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and drink your poison.

   I want to toss all my regrets away, but I know that I'll need one later.

   I prefer going to the pub than going to church because the spirits in the pub are real

   Maybe Kim Jong Un just wants a Klondike bar

   F'king love Sundays... Or any other day that's not Mon-Fri.

   I'm just a guy searching for a reason to get off the couch.

   ***Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1

   Attention: Tonight's anticipated "northern lights" will not be presented. Due to US Government budget cuts...they were cancelled just like the US Navy Blue Angels and US Air Force Thunderbirds demo teams.

   Free hugs! (Deluxe hugs $2.00)

   I'll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I'm thinking to myself..."Umm...isn't that what real life is for?"