Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I lose a hand, accident or not,, I'd replace it with a prosthetic gavel. Just so you can see that I'm judging you, and for garlic competitions.

   Sometimes I feel like babies only wanna hang out with you so they have someone to scream at...

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON'T HANG UP" right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back

   Tonight I'm playing hard to get off the sofa.

   When picking a song to represent your relationship, go for something obscure in case you ever break up. Mine is the National Anthem of Peru.

   Speed remake idea: In this version you can't EXCEED 30mph, Keanu is an old Asian lady, the bus is the car ahead of me, and it's not a movie.

   Life is uncertain which is why every morning, before I leave for work, I hug my kids and whisper "avenge me.."

   Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?

   The official Boston Suspects video on Youtube starts with an advertisement ... WTF!!!

   "X the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of you action. :) "... People who post things like this are why I fear for our future.

   Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

   I'm trying to be black so bad, I went out and got a white wife.

   Complain that you are bored and I will ignore you like I am busy.

   the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of you action. :)

   You know your phone is old, when you have Myspace as a default application.

   What did the Peanut say to the Walnut? I'll cashew later.

   Where would you like me to stick it. The Yapper,,, the Crapper,,,,,or the Flapper!?

   If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you're one of them

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office playing on Facebook.

   I hit a new low today. I used a cheat code on "The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout" on my XBox Kinect