Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm looking to make some extra beer money so I'm painting these ibuprofen blue

   We want to find them so we can give them a big hug, american style!

   The Constitution wins everytime Obama says, "This was a pretty shameful day in Washington for the government"

   So when Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook did he say "Let there be likes"?

   Sometimes after I try to parallel park, I'll just get out and stand with my hands on my hips like a relief pitcher who just blew a save.

   I ain't sayin she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke white guy who's afraid to finish the rest of this lyric.

   "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.

   I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.

   Guys need super powers. Girls have boobs.

   Nothing makes me go from zero to Hitler faster than someone touching my phone.

   If pizza was a person, it would win the Nobel Peace Prize every year.

   The only thing that makes marriage different from being on death row is that married people wish they were dead.

   I'm a proud and satisfied user of the doggie-style technique!

   They always do things bigger in Texas.

   1 boom n the whole nation becomes god fearing, elected official praises... Big gots

   This over empathy for marathon runners should also b present when other countries r blasted. REMEMBER THAT!

   I think I'm gonna go hit the sack,,,, and then maybe go to bed

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low

   never gotten the amount of cheese grated on my pasta I want in a restaurant because I feel guilty when the waiter starts looking fatigued

   60% of the time, it works everytime