Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   JAB, Let this be a lesson to idiots every where, you won't get away with it. . .

   I'm home getting hammered while she's out getting nailed.

   This is the best episode of "24" since season 3

   I wonder if the only thing open in Boston right now is Dunking' Donuts

   Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.

   I just accidentally made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips in the urinal next to me ... I think I need to kill him now.

   This show on CNN is just a remake of "The Fugitive" without Harrison Ford.

   BBM is just a support group for people who can't afford an iPhone.

   it me, or does that Uncle of the 2 suspect, DZHORkhar Tsarneav, look likes a pist-off Adam Sandlar?

   Yes, I'm on facebook a lot. No, I do not have a life. Yes, I like it. No, I don't think dollar beers, playing horseshoes and cornhole at a biker bar constitutes you having a life either.

   Having a rough morning? Place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't give up.

   If you do kindness to others, others will do you with kindness.

   where are all thedouche bags that said this was some anti gun control nut job now?

   I parked in a disabled bay in tesco this morning, a bloke shouted "oi what's your disability" I said "tourettes ya c*nt, now feck off":-)

   Typical lol, how all of Boston is on lockdown and businesses are close, except for the Dunken doughnuts which is mandated to run for the duration of the Manhunt!

   Great Thanks to these doushbags, now I gotta get a background check for a pressure cooker at Sears......

   Words of Wisdom: Don't cover your mouth when you sneeze. You'll get snot and stuff all over your hands ツ

   I love myself, I'm just not "post pictures of myself everyday on Facebook" love myself.

   I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed, Not my fault they don't have Windows...

   When you don't wear makeup I feel like I'm cheating on you with your brother.