Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I read today that 99% of women don't like men in leather pants. That is convenient...because 99% of men in leather pants don't like women.

   I stopped saying I liked women with "junk in the trunk" when I realized it wasn't a euphemism for ana l.

   Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.

   I don't play guitar, but I sure would pluck your G-string.

   Knowing something is a terrible idea and doing it anyway is my specialty.

   Apaprnelty hmoosxeulas aer brililnat at unscarbmlnig snetneces.

   I'm running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.

   Some people are flirting with my delete & block button.

   There's a special place on my crappy list for people that complicate relatively simple situations.

   Sir, I don't care what car you drive. Your teeth look like they're throwing up gang signs.

   If you are a man and your girl is taller than you. I am going to assume you're a lesbian couple.

   Too bad you cant photoshop your stinky breath as well.

   if Jay Leno and Reese Witherspoon had a kid, it'd look like that dude on Mask...

   I haven't copied and pasted from thi s place in 7 whole days for god sake.

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan....

   Some of you ladies need to take it easy on the make up. You look like you were the first person to pass out at an Avon party...

   I just saved a bunch of money on my sons college education by introducing him to weed...

   Huggie, Huggie, Huggie can’t you see, sometimes your words just piss off me…

   If you want to worship someone who was tortured, killed, then came back to life, I'd say Wile E. Coyote should be it. He's the one who REALLY took one for the team.

   Ok, so I now know that if a girl asks if she looks fat, do not reply, "In what area?"