Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.

   Who invented hugs? I mean..the first hug would have been soo awkward. its like"what are you doin, why are you holding me???" "shhh just trust me"

   I see Girls trying to break up with their boyfriends now cause the weather changing

   By "lol" I mean I don't give a fu&k.

   I just burned 600 Calories working out to these Insanity Commercials.. I don't even need to buy the DVD's.

   It's Friday for me and Monday for my liver.

   The only question about gay marriage is how they get along with pain and E.coli.

   Every weekend I participate in a liquid cleanse diet... with beer.

   People say weed smokers are lazy. Well guess what as*holes, the blunt doesn't pass it self. And it sure isn't rolling it self.

   If I catch my Daughter making a Twerk video with her Leapfrog video camera, imma Beat my DNA out of her!

   f I show you a picture on my phone, don’t swipe left, don’t swipe right. Just look.

   B&tch, why the fu&k you coming over if you on your period? Save your gas!

   Friday Night Pick Up Line: Either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it is your choice.

   if you are going to use a boat to escape make sure its in water not in water town!

   And that's why I don't have a boat.

   David Caruso finds the bomber dead in a boat,,,"Looks like someone could've used a...." (removes shades)... "Life preserver."

   you're saying, "... People who post things like this are why I fear for our future." Just because you're perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect; you might be hopelessly unhappy with yourself.

   Just because you're perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect; you might be hopelessly unhappy with yourself.

   Boat on land. Worst escape vehicle ever.

   The award for the best conspiracy goes to........The Boston Marathon Bombing