Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I text someone and they don't text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.

   Last night I realized that 3.5 inches could totally satisfy me... Yep, I went shopping with my new credit card!

   why do I even bother setting a desktop background if it’s covered by my browser 24/7

   i don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.

   Cooker on, bacon, baceaten!

   Now everyone in America is gonna want a yard boat

   Apparently the Russians tht attacked boston city will be grilled...

   I havn't heard the word "manhunt" so much since the last gay pride parade

   Husband... "Whew, I'm glad that's over." Wife... "NOW CAN WE GET RID OF THAT BOAT!"

   Can't someone put these Kartrashians on a leash and chain them to a pole?

   My money is on Adam Sandler playing the pissed uncle.

   Bomb Blast in Boston. Next day.. Earthquake in Pakistan. 1-1

   My money is on Sacha Baron Cohen playing Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in the biopic.

   Good for Boston...celebrating in the streets like Buckner caught the ball!!!

   There were a lot of people who thought he was going to end up like his brother. I wasn't one of them. Really, what are the chances he has another brother who runs over him in a car.

   Fact: Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.

   Whoever said “he’s only a dog” obviously never owned a dog.

   I believe in love at first sight because… I’ve loved my mum since I opened my eyes!

   The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.

   6 am: tired 9 am: tired 11 am: tired 3 pm: tired 5 pm: tired 7 pm: tired 9 pm: tired bed time: ENNNNEERRGGYY