Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No, I don’t want to see your tattoo. I’m not in the mood to lie about how nice it is.

   "No one will know about your small pen*s if your ex girlfriends are all dead" is the only relationship advice I've given in the past 5 years

   When I say you are pretty, don't thank me thank God.

   That awkw.. moment when you stare at someone in the Asian supermarket trying to figure out what kind of Asian they are. :)

   How many girls it takes to change a light bulb? 4 if you count the one taking and posting the pic to Facebook

   If you believe a womans place is in the kitchen you must have just finished having sëx and that þìtçh is making your sammich.

   Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

   Most people spend their time trying to find someone to sleep with, instead of finding someone worth waking up to.

   Romance works because ladies love dumb stuff and they are easily swayed by meaningless gestures. That's why all dudes have the same technique. It's called lying.

   Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.

   A tongue has no bones but it’s really strong enough to break a heart.

   I don't care about high gas prices!... I always put $20 dlls in my car!. 

   Why can't a pony sing? ............Because it's a little horse.

   Men are only as loyal as their options

   Happy Earth Day. Please keep it clean. After all.... it's not Uranus!!!

   Sometimes your greatest contribution to mankind is just keeping your mouth shut.

   I'll bet any one of you I could stop gambling!

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

   Dating a single mother.... It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.