Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm even late for work when I work from home

   My life feels like I'm constantly waiting while it's buffering

   People are always on the verge of telling everyone they’re on the verge of something.

   And with the 6th pick in the 2013 NFL draft, the Cleveland Browns select Robert Denton ESQ, Defense attorney, Harvard.

   My walk of shame is actually an escape plan.

   Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I'm older than the Internet.

   I find it weird that we still use animals for product testing when there are at least 37 million Bieber fans out there.

   Get Twisted...Happy National Pretzel Day!

   Really no offense ladies,but why do all of you go on about your weight..then post all this food that would clog and artery...

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right

   When I die, the best tombstone I can hope for is "He was an ass hole, but he was a funny ass hole."

   All cheaters need to come with a warning sign. Like once you cheat your hair turns lime green so people know what you are all about.

   They say good things come to those who wait. But I been waiting for this b*tch to leave my house n she still here lounging.

   The snippy little nurse told me to piss in a cup. So I told her to go fart in a jar. And the fight was on.

   Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.

   I look up to people who don’t look down on other people.

   How does a Kardashian change a light bulb? They buy a new mansion.

   sprung after seeing a girl walk in with an itty bitty waist and put a round thing in his face.

   Having sex is like vacuuming; It should be loud enough to scare your pets, involve a whole lot of sucking, and it's best if you do it often in every room of the house.

   My workout video is just a 15 minute clip of me dodging my boss around the office.