Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gonna celebrate Cinco de Mayo the traditional Mexican way by doing some landscaping.

   Wife gets a $20 gift card for Victoria's Secret, spends $380. Husband gets a $10 Lowes gift card, spends $12...

   Thanks to the Chinese people and their stupid superstitious beliefs, our grandchildren are never going to see a live Rhino.

   Conversations that start with "Don't get mad" seldom end that way.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that notices all of your faults and reminds you about them daily.

   a lot of women stick their cell phone in their bra now days....i guess that makes it an "over the shoulder phone holder"

   2 girls and 1 guy, 0 self respect

   My dad carries pictures of me and my brother where his money used to be.

   Real men don't wear pink,,,,,,,,,,,they eat it.

   Psychology: the search for selfunderstanding through the study of others.

   Dear NBC Sports, the black jockey is from the Virgin Islands. Stop calling him an African American...

   Facebook: a place when you even write your suicide note, you'll get likes.

   admit it. We ALL got a little Gary Busey inside us...

   missing the days when he talked in third person...

   Kentucky Derby: Look...if I wanna get all worked up about two pseudo-exciting minutes...I'll go have sex.

   Today I wish a Happy Easter to my Greek Orthodox and Russian friends. Your ancestors really sucked at reading the calendar.

   Some people are just meant to be a loan.

   MAY the FOURTH be with you

   went to a carnival trying to win an X-box Kinect and the next thing he knew , he'd lost his entire life savings and all he had to show for it was a giant banana with dreadlocks.

   Lil' Wayne Lost his Mountain Dew endorsement over "creative differences" for his Emmett Till reference in his song called "Karate Chop (remix)" ... Now remember, silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.