Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just had a call from a guy with a foreign accent call me from "Microsoft"....I told him the only problem I was having was when I booted up the startup screen showed a pic of his Mom and a donkey..............."click"

   What the hell did we do while waiting at red lights before cell phones?

   Hate to break it to everyone, but A-B-C really wasn't as easy as 1-2-3.

   Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

   you know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before.

   When a woman says she doesn't want a boyfriend what she really means is that she doesn't want you. Remember women are liars

   I just farted real loud, and my car alarm went off.... Some guy is stealing my car but I wanted you guys to know about my fart.. Be right back.

   Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.

   I was eating lunch today at a local restaurant and saw a sign in their window saying "Waitress wanted". So, I called the police station and told them where she was.

   We'll take your Prime Minister and Chancellor, only if you also take Justin Beaver, lil wayne witha side of Taylor Swifter

   I wanted to tell a mexican joke today, but I didn't want to go over the border!

   Vagiinas are like the weather if its raining and wet, Its time to go inside!

   I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   Every single person on a reality TV series is the kind of person you don't want to sit next to in a restaurant.

   The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.

   completely worn out after spending the whole weekend at a genital jamboree.

   Monday is like a math problem. Add irritation, subtract sleep, multiply problems & divide happiness. I hate Mondays!

   ME: “I’m totally over my ex” VODKA: “We’ll see about that”

   My favourite girls are like the titanic. They go down on the first date and you never get to see them again.

   I wanted to do a mexican joke today but that's just crossing the border!