Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cous Cous: So good they named it twice.

   I'm just sitting around waiting for the alcohol to fix everything.

   I found my true calling in life. Laziness.

   I drink a shot of whiskey a day to toast good life & fortune and then the rest of the bottle because I like being drunk.

   I hope I enjoy not seeing The Great Gatsby as much as I enjoyed not reading the book.

   1 cat = 10 years of being single. Now take that and multiply it by the amount of cats you have.

   I want to formally apologize to cats for being the go-to animal for crazy and lonely people .

   The white house has a new Benghazi slogan: Hope and change the subject

   I get a call telling me that "my husband and I" won a 4 day, 3 night cruise to the Bahamas. When did I get married tho?

   Birds born in a cage thinks flying is an illness!

   I'm a leader not a follower! Unless its a dark place, then F that, you're going first!

   The key to being a great parent is finding what your child loves the most.... And then using it against them.

   Have you ever sat next to someone who smelled so good you couldn't stop licking there neck? Sorry dude take it as a compliment geez!

   I am now signing up for motivational speaker training...I heard the side benefits are great.

   Long Island ice tea proves that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

   after sex, I want to take a nap, while my girlfriend is full of spunk!

   The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place

   Summary: IRS sorry about abusing govt power, now register your guns you paranoid freaks.

   Just having a conversation with this squirrel about why human nuts are better..

   I blew a speaker in my car today. He was a motivational speaker and he was very convincing.