Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m glad men don’t wear skirts, I imagine how much shorter they would be when we had erections.

   Ever just apologize for no reason whatsoever? No? It must be nice being single.

   Bacon is natures way of making up for Monday mornings.

   If 40 is the new 30, then Monday is the new Friday.

   It's like Batman didn't even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.

   On a scale from 1 to dyslexic, how 10 am I?

   Happy Mothers Day!..Thank You Dad for not Pulling Out!

   I kinda just had kids to have somebody to watch cartoons with.

   Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...

   When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.

   Baby cows all over the world fear for their Mothers as McDonalds gears up for the next Monopoly game.

   What wine goes well with 16 Advil?

   why as a man would you tell a woman, your welcome on mothers day ... for malin this day possible like we dont get our own holiday called fathers day you silly guy

   Turns out, I have a 4.6 billion year old sun... I am gonna see him tomorrow morning.. wow amazing

   Happy Mother's Day to all the teen moms who just released a back door p0rn video this week.

   It's been a good Mothers Day only negative is mom didn't finish the 7 pound omelette challenge so she had to pay for breakfast.

   Over 12 people shot at a Mothers Day parade in New Orleans today. Such a messed up world we live in.

   I feel sorry for my poor dog today. He is really sad :-( He wanted to spend Mothers Day with his Mom, but he doesn't know where that bit ch is.

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   Today's the perfect day for ribs and Salsa music.