Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Mama Cass gave Karen Carpenter the ham sandwich she chocked on, they both would be alvive today!

   There's a baseball team named the Giants (San Francisco), a football team named the Giants (New York)...yet there's no basketball team named the Giants...when in fact, basketball players ARE GIANTS!

   The only thing to fear is fear itself. Also: -Zombies. -Velociraptors. -Unwanted pregnancy. -The Hamburglar. -Spiders. -Madonna's arms.

   I wonder if the people who jerk off to anime p 0rn cry the entire time, or just after

   My stepfather doesn't know it, but he owns the world record for eating the most jizz sandwiches in a year.

   Found: One nose, stuck deeply in my business. Claim at your own risk. (I dare you)

   If I did road work I'd be that guy, the one who's leaning on his shovel and looks concerned while the other guys did all the work.

   I guess the Government will be working to ban tornadoes now

   Hey Vegans, plywood contains animal products. You're surrounded. Sleep tight.

   Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a sub, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm,,, plus I am inside a lion.

   I hate Facebook in times of disasters, Everyone shares thoughts and prayers and pretty candle photos but nobody means it and nobody gets off their fat a$$es to do anything to help.

   It's just ADORABLE how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won't be back tomorrow.

   Make sure you have at least one friend who invents words. It could be me, or it could be another wordventor,,, It doesn't matter.

   Remember, Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks.

   If there's left overs... You can't cook.

   There are no stupid questions, But I have met a ton of inquisitive idiots.

   Hey I found your nose. It was in my business again.

   OMG When you've stalked someone's Facebook or Twitter, (1 million times), then you start talking to them, HOW HARD is it to NOT mention things you've learned from stalking!!!

   The economy is so bad, a truckload of Polish immigrants was caught sneaking out of the UK .

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack pepper spray and a tazer.. :)