Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm on the "I love food more than I love exercise but I love naps more than I love food" diet.

   Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?

   Please drink responsibly this weekend and don't drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won't leave the house! ... Good talk!

   Stand next to a guy using a public urinal...Stare at him...Wait until he looks at you.Look in his eyes and say "Don't make this weird, bro."

   I'll wait, gain your trust and strike when you least expect it by taking the leftover beer I brought, home with me.

   There's no "i" in ignorant.

   Bert and Ernie are a perfect closeted TV couple. You are not sure they are gay, but you can't prove they aren't.

   I just ran like a little b*tch from a skunk in my yard and dropped my man card, if anyone finds it…please return it to me. Thanks.

   When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.

   Apparently the graphics are so good on the Xbox One, players will be able to see their own social anxiety disorders developing.

   According to Facebook, some people I don't remember are grilling this weekend.

   Kung Fu Panda teaches kids that fat people can do anything they set their mind to, as long as they are a panda.

   I only have a problem with control when I'm not in it.

   Maybe if you tried educating yourself as much as you try getting those abs people will like you more.

   Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.

   I am the kind of guy who brings a gun to a knife fight.

   If slow-walkers only knew the pain of the fast-walkers trapped behind them, they may just speed it up a little.

   So if I steal "free" wifi from the local church near my house, does that mean god is sending me a signal?

   If a fireman's job can go up in smoke, and a plumbers job can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?!

   I'm sick of having 50 states so I combined some: Michconsin,