Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A report indicates V iagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, V iagra sales have skyrocketed.

   Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand and not his a$$ or he'd have shot out a web every time he farted.

   People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards.

   I love riding my red Mustang into work,,, but I am tired of people complaining about horse crap in the parking lot.

   Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?

   My Doctor says I'm a serious alcoholic, but I think I'm more of a funny alcoholic.

   My bed isn't feeling well this morning...so I'm staying home to take care of it.

   It takes Canadian strippers 2 songs to get naked, because winter boots, parka, toque, scarf, mittens, long underwear, thermal undershirt....

   I hate restaurants where they won't let you bring your own mariachi band.

   If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.

   Just cooked myself a dinner of roasted lightly charred grains with butter glaze reduction and light seasoning. (Burnt microwave popcorn)

   Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.

   I love yoga pants as much as the next guy, but now I also know that my sister has a great ass.

   If you're having a bad day, remember that somewhere in the world, someone willingly got a Nickelback tattoo. And they love it.

   My ten year old son is wearing Axe deodorant to school today, so lets hope I'm not a granddad 9 months from now.

   Hey beautiful. Wanna join me in the shower? Bring your friend too. - me, talking to the beers in my fridge

   Ironically, my sugar daddy has diabetes.

   Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

   Wait, there's a "wrong hole"?

   My fridge is so full of beer I'm going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.