Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sick of people comparing Freddie Mercury to God. I mean, the guy was pretty good, but he was no Freddie Mercury.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, You answer it.

   I really only realize what I'm missing by not having a relationship when I have to make my own sandwiches.

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.

   I've got some terrible news: FOX

   I find it weird that restraining orders don't specify what kind of restraints to use.

   If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.

   My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..

   After the wife eats the last donut, it is apparently NOT OK to thank God for the plate not being made of sugar...

   I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.

   When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..

   It wasn’t until I tasted the chewy monkey bits through the chocolate & peanut butter,, that I realized I accidentally bought Rhesus Pieces.

   Just saw Fast 6....watching the heroes downshift their auto stick in anger was just disappointing.

   Goodbye Memorial Day weekend. Like a fifth of Vodka and a handful of prescription painkillers you made Monday more bearable......

   Just when I thought I couldn't hate squirrels any more,,, one just ran past me wearing socks w/ sandals.

   I'm about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com

   PRO TIP: You can cure most cat allergies,, by putting just a little antifreeze in their water.

   I swear some girls with big asses think they can get away with murder. You have a huge bass because your face is a car wreck, please behave yourself

   I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had