Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him.

   There's nothing that screams "originality' like a bar named Cheers.

   Just got back from the ER. They told me that my Gallbladder was unremarkable. I'm kind of fond of it though.

   Guns and Explosions in Disney Parks? I think they are opening a Pakistan Pavillion at Epcot!

   One of the worst things that can happen to you is closing a tab by mistake and you don't know which website was it on.

   I never borrow money from people because payback is a b*tch.

   The weather is so hot it just told me I’d make a great friend.

   Age is no guarantee of maturity.

   My friend said to me, "you should start drinking Ensure" and I said, "if I'm going replace a meal with a beverage its going to be beer..."

   It should really be called 'teethpaste'

   A smile is way better than a duck face...

   If i'm ever convicted of murder it will be because I had to say"excuse me" to many times while pushing a basket in Wal Mart.

   "No, officer, I wasn't driving with my eyes closed. I'm part-Chinese."

   “If I was a dog, I would so hump your leg right now!”

   My wife hates sex but I am so glad her best friend doesn't

   A bottle of wine and I still have feelings. Time for whiskey.

   when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

   I think people should start adding carnivore to their bio, like vegetarians do. That way we're all clear on everyone's daily meal plan.

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don't subject an innocent cat to a life with you.