Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty stoked about June. I've got Amanda Bynes in the celebrity dead pool!!

   A friend that steals your tortilla chips is, Nacho friend.

   One step forward for cancer research, two steps back for women getting men to go down on them. Thanks, Michael Douglas

   "I'd LOVE to lick your mackerel but I CAN'T! Michael Douglas says it'll give me throat cancer!"

   Never ask a kid what an "encyclopedia" is or was, bc they'll just try and Google an STD.

   While reciting the alphabet, we all turn into rappers when we get to L M N O P. That's the gangsta part.

   Thanks, Michael Douglas, for ruining the ONLY time I'm not worrying about cancer.

   Baby, why would you pay $99 for a bra at Victoria's Secret when I can hold your ( . ) ( . ) all day for free.

   if a person keeps on thinkin of deletin his/her fb account ,, cn it be concidered as suicidal tendency

   I think I've fallen in hate with you.

   When someone breaks your heart.... let God put the pieces together.

   The IRS is in trouble for using $60,000 of taxpayer money to produce training video spoofs of "Star Trek" and "Gilligan's Island". I find that, "HIGHLY ILLOGICAL...." (Spock's voice) "....SKIPPPPEEERRRRR!!!!!" (Gilligan's voice)

   Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!

   if I had a kid that was a Belieber I'd lock them in a room with the White Album playing until they snapped out of it

   Monday,.. that better not be your ugly ass I see peeking around the corner!

   If I superglued WD-40, what would happen

   what I won't do for love......i might do for a klondike bar~!!!

   I have not seen a Hummer on the road in months. Is there some sort of magical Dbag Island that they all went to?

   if anyone wants lobster they can eat me

   McDonalds should have a 3rd window... that way you can return or trade the wrong stuff in the bag that you were given from the 2nd window!