Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think my relationships are unhealthy.... You should see my diet.

   Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

   Advice is sh*t you'd tell your friends but never do yourself.

   It is Scientifically proven that you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blow job

   I can't tell if the vegetarians upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

   You guys, how can true love still exist if we don't have mixed tapes anymore?

   It's so romantic that you didn't press charges.

   If money can't buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

   Always hide your liquor from your boss, that way you never have to worry about...sharing.

   "I've been thinking." - Women, right before sh*t gets real.

   Mistakes married women make: 1. Assuming he heard you. 2. Assuming he understood you. 3. Assuming he'll remember. 4. Marrying a man.

   needs beer and a violent redhead with handcuffs

   My wife says crazy stuff like "You're addicted to Facebook," "Pay attention to us" and "How could you not notice the house is on fire?"

   To quit smoking I can either take a pill that may make me want to kill myself, or take no pills and want to kill someone else...... Conundrum

   I just found a liquor store that gives air-miles. Should be visiting the Great Wall of China next week!!!

   All of my best ideas involve jail time.

   Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, but nobody is laughing now.

   You're either part of the solution or part of this meeting!

   If I notice you've lost weight and ask what your secret is, and you say, "Diet & exercise!" I will punch you in your skinny face.

   I don't use Facebook. Trying to convince people that my life is better than theirs by announcing every insignificant event looks exhausting.