Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listen, I don't make the rules,,, Where I come from, when you lick something and yell MINE,, it's yours.....So, ya know, get in my van please.

   Heritage For The Blind wants me to donate my old car to them. FUNK THAT! We have enought people that can't drive that can see why the hell would I want a blind person driving.

   My face wakes up 3-4 hours after the rest of me.

   Remember when razors only had two blades? Or what tissue companies call the "good ol' days"?

   See how long it takes you to get arrested in Walmart for starting a trail of gummy bears from the toy section to the bathrooms

   The "Other" mailbox folder is apparently facebook's version of "Local singles are waiting to meet you."

   At Subway. "What kind of Sandwich would you like ?? I'll take a 6inch Tuna on Honey Oat Please. "What kind of bread"?? Honey Oat please. "What kind of sandwich "?? Tuna please.

   "by day I am just a regular loser, by night I am the same loser only it’s nighttime".

   Unless you're trying to change someones life for the better, you have no reason to try to be in their business

   The reason they named it the "Xbox One" is they knew that it would be the only way they would hear "Xbox Won" Might as well rename it the "Xbox Done"

   Some people are like water balloons, they're more fun when you throw them out the window.

   Hate is such a strong word. That's exactly why I use it.

   Baby you a song, you make me wanna roll my windows down.......and puke!

   To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!

   Tragedies are God's way of saying, "I'm not real".

   There’s a thin line between “I should do a joke about that” and “I should talk to my therapist about that”

   i live in a land of fantasy so keep your reality the hell away from me.

   Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.

   Before you cancel my membership you might want to post a sign << Me to manager at my gym because apparently "tickle fairies" aren't allowed in the showers at this gym.

   I enjoy listening to Ice cube in the summer. He's very refreshing.