Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dude you're doing it wrong!!! Its, I'm poor (not rich), but I'm not "selling stuff on Craigslist for $10" poor

   Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Thursday.

   Today's challenge! Walk with the parade and wave, and make people wonder who you are.

   Your day sucked, huh? I'm sure Facebook would love to hear about it.

   There is a fine line between confidence, and arrogance. I walk that line when I'm drunk, swaying from side to side.

   I'm not rich, but I'm not "selling stuff on Craigslist for $10" poor either...

   Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.

   The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.

   Commercials are like the Jehovah's Witnesses of Television.

   Time To Get Star Spangled Hammered

   I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don't see how it's any of your business.

   My typical day at work: 9:00 am: What a beautiful day. 9:05 am: I WANNA GO HOME.

   You look chatty. I’ll take the next elevator.

   I think we should buy a lot of sh&t we don't need and then find a soul-crushing job to pay for them.

   Guys, I don't mean to sound negative or anything, but according to my research, everything sucks.

   … remember when you were a kid and would run thru the sprinklers at your uncles house - and he'd dry you off with his big strong arms and tender kisses ?

   I knew I had to go on a diet when I started stealing the little candies out of my kid's Lunchables.

   Obesity is now considered a disease by the medical community. Never before has walk for the cure taken on a more literal meaning.

   Perfect people are terrible; it's difficult to take advantage of them.

   It's always cracked me up how straight people just get so amused and excited about fireworks .....