Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I was 85 years old and a cop pulled me over for speeding my excuse would be "am in a hurry before I forget where I am going"

   I think Ninja is actually spelled Kninja but the "K" is not only silent, but you can't even see it because it's F'ing NINJA!

   what idiot called it grass and not Earth hair

   Walking through my house at night makes me wonder how I survived without a flashlight before I had a cell phone.

   Bored??.. Text random numbers the following: The courthouse has your name in the newspaper for a failure to appear for jury duty this is the 24 hour number for you to check 714-319-7020. You're welcome! :)

   Shouldn't "Ninja" be with a silent "N"?

   So many things that younger generations aren't able to do now: make prank phone calls, play outside at all hours, tell time, tie shoes.

   Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and azzholes, and anybody else I left out.

   Would it be bad to eat a bowl of my son's Flintstone vitamins as a snack?,,,, Hahaha, I’m just kidding; I have no idea whose son this is.

   Don’t believe in aliens, huh??,,,,,, Then explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

   For $100,,,, I'll come to your house and name all of your plants.

   I do great farts when I pull myself up in the bathtub.......... Do your stuff, eHarmony

   Street Racing is like Special Olympics. Even if you win you're still a retard.

   what's the difference between hungry and horny??....where you put the cucumber..;-)

   Like, if you believe that HR is stupid and evil.

   man sent to hospital after finding 6 plastic horses up his arse.....his condition is stable

   I thought this Mexican Restaurant was closed because only 1 car was in the parking lot, but it was completely packed inside!

   I can't believe people have nerve enough to still be shooting fireworks. They almost caught my Christmas lawn decorations on fire.

   We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.

   Some are living and others are struggling not to die........