Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is a race...too bad I'm fat.

   If money grew on tree's, some girls I know would date monkeys !

   I'm searching flights online and I cant find a one way ticket to Poundtown.

   If you don't back up and pin the doctor the wall when he sticks his finger in, it's not a prostate exam.

   If the first thing you see after you die is a handbasket, check your undershorts for kerosene.

   How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?

   Sometimes I think people are not sacrificing everything to make me happy and I don't like it.

   Every time I hear Sam Elliott narrating a commercial, the only thing I hear my head is "Don't eat the big white mint"

   To the two former Facebook "Friends" who just un-friended me: It was the status about throwing kittens in the lake right? They all had life jackets on..... They are safe & now drying in my microwave.

   I love bourbon and bourbon loves me. It's the most functional relationship I ever had in my life.

   Myspace: Died a couple of years ago. Facebook: In the hospital. Twitter: At the strip club throwing ones at the big booty hoes.

   My goal at work today is "I'M HERE AIN'T I?!" Achieved. Now what.

   I was walking through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning!" He said, "No. Taking a $hit."

   It only two dangling thingys and I still dont know which one to pull....-ceiling fans all over the world!

   going all the way on a first date also known as a "Hole in one"?

   Seriously! Just watched a deer look both ways before crossing a road. Isolated incident or beginning of a much welcomed change in behavior?

   If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like I copied and pasted the same staus every single day.

   In real world, most of people on Facebook, Internet and twitter would be in prison.

   She's not my girl but I get her to smile

   Long Island Iced Tea drinks should be called "Learn to Plank in one evening."