Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Corvette....Helping men compensate for small wieners since 1953.

   Officer, I resent your accusatory tone & choice of words... FYI: She is my ‘trunk guest’,,, I served her ‘refreshments’,,, and she is ‘in repose’

   You know how when a musician dies radio stations play his songs back to back all day? Here’s to praying Lil Wayne lives forever.

   God couldn’t be everywhere so he created mothers. Satan couldn’t be everywhere so he created loud chewers.

   Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.

   Well, the body scanner at the airport triggered them to search me in 3 areas.. My chest, my ass and my right front pocket area... Guess the gym is paying off.

   Ladies; Don’t turn off the lights when having sex or he will be thinking of someone else the whole time.

   Date someone with poor taste in music. So that when she breaks your heart you don’t have to give up your music because it reminds you of her

   Taking relationship advice from people on Facebook is like asking a blind person for directions. If these people had perfect relationships, they wouldn’t even be on Facebook half the time.

   A man was arrested having weed growing in his backyard today. He claims the evidence was planted.

   I got 66 problems coz my life is upside down!

   Someone disappointing you just allows you to free up space in your heart for others who won't.

   I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.

   Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.

   The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.

   For a change I'd like to meet someone who could be my potential soulmate and who is not halfway across the world.

   Pool party at my house, Bring your own pools.

   why arent orphans good at baseball? They don't know where home is.

   Beer is good. Beers are better.

   if my girl cheat on me she better cheat with 6 strong guys that can carry her casket