Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a thin line between 911 and 9/11.

   That guy just told his girlfriend, "But, I didn't do anything."......Lmao...... He's young. He'll learn.

   When Kanye West dies, I hope he donates his ego to science.

   My wife said she is losing her mind. I said "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the past 25 years." Actually, sleeping on the couch with the dog is not so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.

   "Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in a church, but a terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.

   I think I'll get a pet Boa Constrictor. It should be real cheap to feed him what with all the free kittens on Craigslist.

   If UGGs made bras, would they be called JUGGs?

   I have dirty thoughts every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.

   My wife married me because I have a heart of gold. Then she cut it out of me, hocked it and bought shoes.

   I just found an onion ring in my French Fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind.

   Rolling st-o-o-one...wanna see my picture on the cover? Tried to kill 5 thousand with my brother. Sto-o-one...A desperate attempt to seem relevant. By some Dimwit at the Rolling Stone!

   When dancing with my demons, should I lead or follow?

   My buddy and me picked up a couple of cougars last night, or as I like to call it, sweating to the oldies!!

   I hate crickets in the house........except for the one I just killed. He seems alright.

   Words of Wisdom - As you sow, so shall you reap.

   I'll wear high heels so it's easier for you to hit it from behind.

   If you're in the mood for a little disappointment & looking to be unsatisfied, sexually or intellectually, give me a call. I'm free tonight

   I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.

   I saw a woman put a chunk of butter in her mouth. Then buttered her corn on the cob by rubbing it on her mouth. I think I might be in love.