Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbour mowing the lawn. I figured he just have to mow aound me, I'm not moving.

   It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

   It has been a over year since I've been with women.... I think I need to start collecting cats?

   I just saw in the news that President Obama is going to nominate Caroline Kennedy to be the next US Ambassador to Japan. Gee. You would think after all these years we'd stop trying to avenge Pearl Harbor.

   I Just saw Detroit at the Coinstar machine...

   Eating soup in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.

   That's not a fragrant pillow, your head's on my a$$!

   Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh it, I'm pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.

   20 years ago when the guys went out, one of us got stuck with the porker. Nowadays, all but one gets stuck with one…

   I wonder if somebody ever got "Catfished" through Christian Mingle?

   I'll explain my status update right after you explain why you're so ignorant.

   I'm running out of people I can tolerate!

   "You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.

   You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

   I bet sloths are horrible at foreplay.

   Unstable in the streets, batsh*t crazy in the sheets.

   If looks could kill a trip to Walmart would be a once in a lifetime experience.

   If I die in a stripclub, please drag my body to the nearest church before reporting my death.

   If I die in a bar, please drag my body to the nearest church before reporting my death.

   I like to sit round a campfire telling ghost stories until I realise I'm on acid, the dwarves aren't listening & my kitchen table is on fire.