Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They gave Obama bobbleheads to all fans 18 and over today at Tiger stadium.

   90% of my workout consist of me finding the rite song, 9% trying to bend down to put my shoes on, and 1% kicking off my shoes to crawl into bed!

   Get naked. I'm ready to ruin your loneliness.

   If people looked like their personalities Kim Kardashian would be Lord Voldemort.

   It takes me a week to return a phone call, but I will knock over a baby to get to my phone if I even think I hear a Facebook notification

   Ladies, please send me your height, weight, and body mass index. So I can calculate the amount of alcohol needed for you to think I'm sexy.

   Prison pen pals: Because the odds of getting murdered just aren't high enough.

   To the world you may be one person but to me you are an ass-hole.

   Don't twerk in front of me and expect me not to gravitate towards that ass

   I'd never leave my wife. She knows too much.

   What you never want to hear at a rest stop out of the stall next to you: "OK, let's see if this flushes."

   I have got to stop wearing my sunglasses when I go out on the boat, I'm starting to look like a raccoon

   Double dates are fun and games til you're too drunk to remember which girl is yours.

   I am about to go where no man has gone before.... do you guys need anything from my lesbian friend's house?

   I guess it wasn't video who killed the radio star. RIP Kris' Kraddick...

   Sometimes it takes two broken hearts to make two happy hearts.

   I illegally watched Hang Over Part 3 online and I still feel like I got ripped off.

   Bibles arent allowed in schools anymore but are encouraged in prisons. If kids were allowed to read it at school, they may not end up in pison.

   Go to Google, type in Atari Breakout and click search, then images! You're welcome...

   Oven = Xbox for women.