Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh*t works with bears and they're almost as dangerous as angry women.

   Telling a woman she looks tired is like slapping a lion in the face under the assumption that you're walking away intact.

   If she's easy to be around, you have been friend zoned...

   Ladies; Please note that men don't respond to words, they respond to silence

   You know you are hanging with the right person when it feels easy and comfortable.

   Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.

   She said she can't resist a guy in uniform, so I put in my résumé to Burger King. and now I wait.

   "It's time to go home" - my phone's battery

   I'm single by choice. Too bad the choice wasn't mine.

   And don't thank your teachers for your grammar skills, either.

   I don't have to thank noone for Friday because its a natural phenomenon controlled by nobody but nature.

   Why is such a fuss made over this tax-free back to school shopping? If they called it "6% off", would you be flocking to the mall?

   Breaking: Paula Dean made Riley Cooper a Batch of Fried Chicken to offer support for his Racial slur.

   My wife is glued to the TV. It's hilarious, I've also superglued my dog to the window.

   my new party trick I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my a ss tied together I s hit you knot

   My son told me his medium wings were too hot... Now he has to wear the Tampon of Shame necklace for the rest of the day......... Thems the rules

   To my Atheist friends: Who do you thank now that's Friday?

   She said I was crazy but I talked it over with the Coffee pot and the Tea kettle and they both agreed that she didn't know what she was talking about.

   I used to say that no one could be that stupid. Then I met you. I don't say that anymore.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn