Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of girls,,, and having ALL of them like it.

   FYI:There are only two ingredients in trail mix. . . M&M's,,, and disappointment

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....'I've got nothing man.'

   Ever try to make a mental note but can't find anything to write it on?

   I love when I post a status and someone copy's and pastes its and I get 4 thousand likes and they get two.

   This girl once told me she wanted me to do it doggy style, so I licked her face, crapped on the carpet, and bit her mailman in the ankle.

   You may be my role model, my mentor, my hero or idol but don't you ever expect blind loyalty from me. If you ever screw up or do some dumb sh*t, I am calling you out and holding you accountable.

   Dirty talk? No thanks. I'm not into weird stuff. Now hurry up and put on this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume before I lose my erection.

   Nice try Nicholas Cage, but I'll still watch movies.

   Sorry babe, I just can't justify you going to expensive beauty salons after I just found this guy on Craigslist offering women free facials.

   I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day. Take me to the place I love. Take me all the way.

   My wife finally agreed to have a 3 way with me. Her and her divorce lawyer fùcked over me really good.

   Damn babe are you Obama’s birth certificate because my mom doesn't believe you exist

   Damn girl are you a firework because I only see you like 3 times a year & your very pretty & I’m scared to get closer to you.

   I've been playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds and so far all I've won is a double chin and 3 heart attacks

   I'm not even sure how many problems I have...because math is one of them..

   If you've never manually separated your butt cheeks to amplify a mediocre fart into a fantastic one, we could never be real life friends.

   Text me first so I know it's real

   Current emotion: I need money.

   Sweatin' like a Catholic Priest at a Little League game.