Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If stupidity was physically painful, some people would be in the I.C.U. right now.

   I saw 2 flies screwing today..and I swatted them and said "If I can't, you can't either.

   My animals are staring at me like I am the bacon messiah

   Some TV commercials tell us to not try it at home. Where are we suppose to try it? At school?

   10 whole years in the friend zone and you are still friends? What an idiot.

   Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.

   The term "chubby chasers" is so misleading and inaccurate. They don't run.

   snaxting a thing? Like texting each other pictures of your snacks? Because I kind of think I'd be good at that.

   INNUENDO [in-yoo-en-doh] noun: An Italian Suppository

   Honestly autocorrect...I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt.

   One sure sign that youve had a had a successful commute is that someone flips you the bird at least once. After all, How can you tell if you're succeeding in life without without metrics?

   I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can't run away..."

   The worst part about reggae music is that when they aren’t singing about weed they are singing about how it’s okay to be poor.

   JAMES ON FACEBOOK: The fact that your girlfriend lets you have sex with her isn't enough reason for you to hold her handbag.

   Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...

   I don't feel sorry for fat people. No one woke up one day fat. It takes a lot of being lazy and plenty of nothing to do.

   With 7 billion people in the world now, telling a girl she’s one in a million doesn’t cut it anymore as it just means you have 999 other options.

   If Joseph was black. Mary: I’m pregnant… Joseph: It’s not mine. Mary: That’s what I’m trying to tell you.

   Women should date zombies. Those things would want them for their brains and not their bodies.

   I wonder where women without thigh gaps put their hands when it’s really cold.