Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just spilled ranch dressing on my keyboard then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

   I am kind enough to forgive but not stupid enough to forget.

   Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!

   Okay whoever has a voodoo doll of me and making me write this sentimental and inspirational sh*t, stop it now!

   Sometimes I don't know what I'd do w/o Netflix on nights I don't go out to the bars and party.... probably go out to the bars and party."

   Spooning leads to forking which is why I always use condiments.

   gang related violence has went up 50 percent in my house since I took the kids play station from them

   My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

   SIGN: *jesus recycling shoes*....... "What are you doing there Jesus?"... "Oh, you know, just,,, Saving soles."...

   Considering their thousand-year old dirty little secret, I wonder if the Vatican gets Amber alerts?

   After all these years together my wife and I have finally reach the S & M phase of our relationship,,,,,,,,,She Sleeps while I Masturbate.

   if men could have multiple 0rgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.

   Faldo..go eat a snickers. yyou're stupid when you're hungry.

   Today was somewhat embarrassing. It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned.

   M L B suspended A-Rod, proving that cheaters never prosper. They just get $350M and a World Series ring while boning models.

   "Yes, officer, I know I was speeding, but in my defense, I ALWAYS held down the B button while playing Super Mario Brothers". 

   My girl brought me breakfast in bed, I slowly turned to her and said, ?What are you doing out of the Kitchen??

   Wait!! Its Tim Tebow's birthday today and Tom Brady got hurt..... Jesus take the wheel.

   Asked my wife to try A nal and she turned into the rhubarb lady...

   What is the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?.... The porcupine has the pricks on the outside....