Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women get really mad if you put your d*ck in their mouth when they're applying mascara.

   I'm the black sheep of my family, or as I like to say, I'm not the boring one.

   "The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.

   Today is National Book lovers day. No wonder everyone's on Facebook.

   We all crave to find someone to crawl into the darkest parts of our soul And still ache to make love to our demons

   Why is it that women don't know what they want but they complain if they don't get it?

   When did love ever adopt a religion? When did hearts think and not feel? We made of them a path of pain, when they should be a way to heal.

   In the divorce I made sure to take the laptop, because browser history.

   The most productive and efficient thing about me is my liver

   Remember when the History channel use to show history stuff? -MTV

   The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...

   No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won't be enough.

   Of all the people I turn down for sex, I think my husband’s my favorite

   When my ex left me I developed an Underground Railroad to sneak into her basement and watch Netflix

   My 14 y/o daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it's okay to leave her alone with him.

   Some people update their Facebook status at the most inappropriate times, and this is the longest eulogy I've ever heard.

   Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.

   whenever I think that I'm ready to date again, I always just go and get a new tattoo. because there's a lot less drama with the ink than there is with the pink.

   I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban

   “Your driving is freaking terrible,” I said to my wife. “Oh come on!” She said, “It’s not that bad.” I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.