Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When it comes to toilet water,, It's not the taste that keeps me coming back.... It's the free refills.

   Scars are tattoos with better stories.

   I don't care when a girl puts me in 'the friend', 'creeper' or 'getting a restraining order against zone'... it's their loss, not mine."

   Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?

   This new dishwasher is useless .. It's already ruined three of my paper plates...

   Bring back hanging,that's what I say... tumble-driers are useless....

   At least give Mitch Hedberg credit, HYJ.

   I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

   My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

   Hello? Poison control? I need some help. Bret Michaels is in my house and he won't leave.

   my wife got mad at me because I ate all six Klondike bars, but it's only obvious that she wasn't willing to do what it took to get one ;)

   I've started watching those crime shows on the Investigation Discovery channel and I'm really getting into it. But I don't watch them for entertainment. I watch them to get new ideas.

   Pterodactyls are probably extinct because of the pterrible and ptedious spelling of their stupid species name.

   Amazing the things you say you’ll never do again when your head is lying next to a toilet

   When one door closes, another one opens. Then you're inside Walmart.

   I'm only here for the alibi.

   " I feel like a million bucks." -Billionaire having a crappy day.

   it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I'm trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.

   to make it hotter this winter I'm gonna pollute the environment more to help with global warming

   I refer to my former wife as my XBOX.